The Confident Leader

Another dose of my own medicine

Last week I had a fairly uncomfortable conversation with someone who believed that I was falling short of their expectations of me.  Some of their comments were particularly painful, and I left the conversation needing to reflect on what had been said, and nursing a powerful mix of contrition, anger and indignation, not to mention severely deflated confidence. 

For about 24 hours, I floundered around feeling distressed and decidedly off balance.  Then I realised this was a golden opportunity to revisit Getting Back on Track and to run through some of the exercises.  In fact, because I had been so deeply into the process through developing it and writing about it, I didn't need to spend a lot of time on this.

It was already clear that some of it linked back to the sudden loss of energy I'd experienced a few weeks ago (see Practising extreme self-care), so my vision for the future included building mutual respect, keeping my self-esteem intact and having a good balance in my life.  Developing a vision for moving on from this episode was uplifting and I began to feel that there was a way forward. 

An examination of what had happened and what led up to it produced a more balanced view than had my first flounderings. I could acknowledge some of what was irritating my colleague without taking the entire responsibility for a faulty dialogue with imperfections on both sides, or resorting to blaming them for what had happened.

As is often the case in such situations, the process of opening up to gaining a better awareness led to a wonderful piece of serendipity that supplied a really critical piece of the jigsaw.  I can only guess that the Universe saw this event coming, because earlier that week I had come across Patsy Rodenburg's wonderful book "Presence", and a new way of describing energetic states that made profound and complete sense to me.  More on this in another post.

Practising extreme self-care

This morning, the subject of integrity reared its head.  I don't mean big moral integrity or any of the things that got embedded in my psyche through my upbringing, the protestant work ethic or learning to think for myself.  No, it's far more bland than that.

More bland, but quite as important for a coach who is practised at encouraging clients to take care of themselves, 'put their own oxygen mask on first', not take on more than they can handle.  It's about finding my own balance among the busyness and the needs of my clients and the demands of non-work commitments.  How can I expect you to change your habits if I keep coming up against my own energy brick wall?

So, taking a leaf out of my own book, literally and metaphorically, I'm devising a short-cut exercise for noticing when I'm off balance and getting back on track before I end up reading three Patrick Gale novels in succession as an escape from the treadmill.  Here's what I will be doing in the coming weeks to try to nip it in the bud. Call it my personal self-observation exercise (clients will be familiar with this one) and feel free to adapt it for yourself.

Self-observation - extreme self care
Purpose: 
To monitor your energy levels and find ways to keep yourself balanced under pressure.

Instructions
At a convenient point in your day (before you start, at lunchtime - you remember lunch? - or at the end of the day ask youself:

• How am I feeling, physically and emotionally?
• How am I responding to day-to-day events?
• How clear is my thinking?
• How linked do I feel to my sense of purpose (my spiritual energy)?

Don't aim to change anything, just observe and make a note, perhaps in a journal you keep for this purpose.  The aim is to understand what's going on for you.

Now ask yourself:

• What most gives me joy, and how can I bring that into my day?
• What one response can I re-think to a less stressful level?
• What one change can I make right now that will positively improve my energy?
• What will I do to take care of myself today?

The Susan Boyle factor

It's a sad indictment on our attitude to appearance that I only had to google "ugly singer" a couple of weeks ago to be taken straight to Susan Boyle's much commented-on TV debut.  And how toe-curling were the presenters and judges, nudge-nudge, wink-wink, compared with the sheer authenticity of Boyle herself.  Much has been said about whether or not she was really the surprise the judges claimed she was.  Neither the judges nor the presenters were the real point for me.

What made Susan Boyle such a joy to watch wasn't just the quality of her voice, though that was brilliant enough.  No, it was the fact that she was so completely rooted in her own values and her own passion for singing that none of the flak seemed to touch her.  She waved away the rudeness of the panel with complete equanimity, ignoring the eye-rolling and smirking asides that would have floored many a less confident being.  Susan Boyle was utterly herself. And long may she remain so, despite all those who would like to remould her into something more approaching their idea of conventional attractiveness.

This sense of deep personal roots sits at the foundation of confidence.  If we're not sure of ourselves, even if it's just a little bit unsure, somehow that insecurity undermines any attempt we make to appear confident.  If your confidence has been knocked, a fundamental key to getting back on track is to reconnect with what matters to you and to what inspires you.  What matters is who you are, not what you're not, and knowing who you are makes what you're not irrelevant.  Watch the video.

"It feels like a bereavement"

I've just been listening to BBC Radio 4's iPM programme, where today, several people who had been made redundant talked about the stigma, the loss of confidence and self-esteem, and the unhelpful behaviour of others.  There are some more comments on the iPM blog.

Over the years I've been through a couple of job loss experiences, including a bullying episode many years ago, and a redundancy in the early 1990s.  So I know how it feels.  Over my time coaching people whose confidence has disappeared because of work-related issues, I've come to realise that building your self-esteem from the inside-out is really important. 

My experience of 'outplacement' - the help that companies buy in for their redundant employees, is that it doesn't give sufficient space to the sense of bereavement that losing a job can trigger.  It was to help people find a way through such experiences that I wrote Getting Back on Track.  The book offers a framework for individuals to reconnect with their values, strengths, sense of purpose and self-esteem, and to prepare for the next stage of their lives in a structured yet flexible way.  It doesn't replace practical help from the experts, but it does fill the gap left by the 'pull yourself together' message they sometimes convey.

The iPM contributors were especially sensitive to the responses of others to their new circumstances.  But hard though it is to swallow, Eleanor Roosevelt's assertion that 'no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent' does hold true.   If you're newly redundant, be kind to yourself, and do take steps to remember who you are, because you'll need all your confidence and self-belief to go forward and find what is right for you now.

The Obama effect

In these uncertain times, the World needs authentic leaders - people who can remain true to their deepest values, and can lead from their greatest strengths, with a sense of humililty.  I think and hope that in President Elect Obama we have that potential again.  As ever, time will tell, and there are huge challenges, but I'm more optimistic than I have been for the past eight years.

If you haven't caught his acceptance speech, here it is.  Full as it is of references to those who went before him, I found it a moving and refreshing change from the rhetoric, inspired by the language of war, that I heard from others.

I put off writing this post until the first euphoria of the morning of 5 November had calmed down a bit.  I wish Mr Obama courage for the journey, as I wish it to everyone who faces the challenges of leading through this next period of uncertain climate and soul-searching decisions that affect the lives of those they lead.

I'm also encouraged to see that coaching is still seen by managers and leaders as an enabler of change rather than an overhead to be cut, according to the UK's Coaching at Work magazine.  Coaching provides a space for clarity and renewal, for challenging responses and behaviours that no longer serve you, and for establishing your personal foundation for confident and authentic leadership.

Let there be light

In our new back garden is a mature Christmas tree, planted by the previous owners, and now a sturdy 6 feet high.  We plan to buy it some lights for Christmas.  But here is a story that brings the privilege of our Christmas lights into sharp focus.

I was contacted today by David Speakman.  I first 'met' David some years back on Ecademy. David's inspiration is light - the sheer beauty of a sky full of stars prompted him to try to recreate this experience using lights. He has spent long periods working in Uganda on various charity projects, and was moved to provide a safe and sustainable source of home lighting to families for whom the soaring cost of candles and paraffin lamps means either no light or very dangerous alternatives.

David's charitable company, Jua Taa Limited (Jua Taa means sun lamp or sun light in Swahili) manufacutures and distributes solar lamps, and aims to create manufacturing sites in developing countries too.  Jua Taa is aiming to send as many lights as possible over the Christmas period to where they are most needed.  We can all help.

You can read about Jua Taa here.  I hope that you'll join me in supporting David's Christmas campaign by buying a light and passing on the link to friends and contacts.

Getting Back on Track - the wonders of Google book search

I was delighted to find last week that my book, Getting Back on Track - regaining your confidence and presence at work is now on Google book search.  This means that you can get a really good preview of it and find out about stockists.  As an author, I'm constantly amazed by the level of information available to readers. 

There is also now an e-book version available for download from diesel e-books.  I like the whole e-book concept, even though I love the feel of a new book just waiting to be read, and get really excited when a package arrives from Amazon.  An e-book occupies little file space on a modern computer, and certainly saves paper (and dusting...)

I honestly believe that confidence is a precious asset in our current climate.  It's easy to talk ourselves into doom and gloom.  Losing confidence can stop you in your tracks, making it so much harder to keep going and to be creative.  Without wanting to be Pollyanna-ish, I believe that maintaining a realistic level of optimism and confidence can go a long way towards helping us to ride the storm. 

Leadership Coaching - are you ready?

I am always on the lookout for resources for my clients and colleagues.  If you're considering whether leadership coaching is for you, there is a lot of sound guidance and food for thought in this little guide just published by the Center for Creative Leadership. Written by Douglas Riddle, it's called "Leadership Coaching - when it's right and when you're ready".  You can download the guide as an e-book or buy a conventional paper copy, and at $11.95 it's an inexpensive way to get a good feel for what to expect and what to look out for.

This book is well written, very readable and offers some coherent gems.  On transition coaching, one of my favourites is:  "Leadership coaching can spell the difference between a prolonged period of flailing about and a confident, focused move into a new situation."  I couldn't have put it better myself.

Confidence - the most precious asset?

In the midst of the current financial turmoil, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that 'the most precious asset is confidence'.  Now, I know he was talking about the banking system , but his comment set me thinking about leadership, where the same is true.

A lot is said about the confidence of followers in their leaders.  We talk less about leaders' confidence in themselves, and what happens when it deserts them.  Anyone watching Mr Brown over the Summer will have noticed that his confidence seemed to have disappeared, and he was surrounded by people calling for his resignation. Cause or effect? 

What a difference a month makes.  Now, we're seeing someone confident in his competence to make a difference, and the confidence of his party and the country seems to have followed.  Time will tell how successful the British Government's interventions have been, but there is no doubting that the PM's confidence is on a firm foundation.

I find that once my own clients find the source of their strength, they too are better able to maintain their balance in difficult times and give stable leadership to their teams when it matters most.  I certainly think that confidence is our most precious asset, as long as it is founded in our strengths, not in our egos.

The inner edge of leadership

Working with leaders over the past few years,I've been struck by how frequently confidence comes into the foreground at some pointduring our work together.

An enormous amount has been written about what leadership is, both from the perspective of assessing competence and from the perspective of the needs of those being led. What particularly interests me is the point at which the challenge of leading other people, often in difficult circumstances, starts to rub against the lingering insecurities present in even the most experienced. Too much friction and anyone can end up off balance.

But getting back on track, the subject of my first book, is only the extreme end of a continuum. I will be embarking on a new book in the Autumn. Like  Getting Back on Track, it will use real case studies. The aim is to bridge the gap between the leader as hero and the inner work that any leader needs to do to build their confidence muscles. Watch this space.